By Barry Flup 
There were no surprises at the Nick Knowles Arena in Frumpton tonight, as world wide dignitaries gathered to announce the award for ‘World’s biggest c*nt’. With the air damp with equal measures of both perspiration and anticipation, the crowd cheered at the as Steve Bell-End did a sensational double winning both the award for ‘World’s Biggest C*nt’ and the lifetime achievement award.
Second placer Barbara the Blue Whale commented after the result. ‘My vagina is 1.2 meters long, and I have produced over 20 calves in the past 20 years and still Bell-End beats me.’ she said with her trademark smirk.
Going further the beaten Blue Whale chuckled ‘Based on the mathematics of my massive mammal mott, I thought the surface area alone would guarantee me a win this year. I have to take my hat off to him, he really is the world’s biggest c*nt!
Third placed Howard Swan, the world leader of handcrafting clowns pockets and wizards sleeves, was consoled by onlookers but promised to come back bigger and better next year.
Bell-End said to gleeful onlookers in his acceptance speech ‘thanks everyone, I always like to keep my tools sharp by acting like a proper c*nt everyday. Visualize it, act it be it!’.
David ‘Big D’ Cheeseburger the owner of ABC FX and gold sponsor of the event said ‘It is great to get back to what we know, and acknowledge the world’s biggest c*nts. Maybe if we pay enough money to the event, we can win a team award next year.’
Who do you think will win next year?